Story of a girl with depression

Note: I am reposting this from my other blog over at another blog-site

I grew up struggling with depression. If that wasn't enough: I've also been poor most of my life, had various health problems, had a long and weird German last name growing up, was (and am) an introverted person, was home-schooled before homeschooling was even considered a viable alternative to regular school, was (and am) left-handed, and the list goes on and on.

 Well, during all the years I was growing up I considered middle class people to be rich and actual rich people to be fairy tales that middle class people told their children (like Aladdin or Cinderella). The concept of having enough money to buy new shoes AND get a cool Christmas gift were too much for my childhood brain to handle.

 When I was 10 or so I saved up my meager $3 a week allowance for about 6 months to buy a Game-Boy. For the first time in my life I experienced the envy of my peers in youth group (I did have social outings, being home-schooled did not make me socially backwards), and this was not something I was used to (although I enjoyed being envied for the whole 10 minutes it lasted).

 Like other teenagers I just wanted to “fit in” and not be thought of as the oddball. I tried to use all the money I made doing housecleaning for elderly people (about $40 a month) to buy the latest music that was “in” and to at least have a couple of cool shirts and pairs of shoes for going to youth group and other local teen events. I was painfully shy as a teen though, and it came off the same way as any good teen comedy (but a million times worse for me at the time and there was no hot guy who sees the real me and becomes my boyfriend by the credits). Worse yet, every social outing felt like the movie “Mean Girls” because I was never good enough to fit in with most girls (I had a few friends, they were weird and awkward like me).

 I swung from one extreme to the other, like a pendulum. First starting out as a shy teen who wore clothes to fit in and listened to the music everyone else listened to and dieted; then I became the older teen who (at least pretended) to not give a crap, dyed my hair all colors of the rainbow (the un-natural colors of course), got a nose ring and then a belly button ring, and listened to only hard rock and metal (and didn't diet, just ate and exercised the calories off again). Yeah, it was a big change for me and the funny thing is that through it all I was depressed. I was depressed as the person who wanted to fit in and as the person who didn't care (or at least tried not to care).

 Even now as an adult I struggle with depression and accepting my introverted personality, as well as my individuality. I have to remind myself every day that other people’s opinions of me don’t matter as much as what I think of myself and my relationship with God and loved ones. I hate that I still look at other people’s money and prosperity, and find myself having a bit of envy. I struggle to have an attitude of gratitude and to accept how God made me.

Most of all I want to accept the path that is my life and not be afraid to reach for my goals and dreams (even if other people think I am crazy, who cares?). I want to come to a place in my life that I am not ashamed of my past self for being poor, shy, and depressed, and to be okay with my personality.

 Do you struggle with envy? Do you struggle with depression or accepting your individuality and personality? How do you cope with the world on a bad day?